If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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