you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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