you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
