My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
