just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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