So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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