I am in a vortex of obligation.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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