Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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