First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The uberlube is also flammable
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
