Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
