True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
