Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
