I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
