at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
