I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
