You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
