I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
