I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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