Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
