Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
When are your genitals available?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
