I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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