i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
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Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
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The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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