is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
