I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
In other news, I just burned my penis
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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