woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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