He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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