I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
