I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
