my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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