Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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