It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
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