After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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