he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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