The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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