Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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