I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
