i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
