Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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