the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
