she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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