why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
