A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
