I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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