i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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