I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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