Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i think i have two assholes
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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