Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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