I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
