I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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