I wanna passion pit in your ass
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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