You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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