I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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